Shoot - I was actually productive at work today. I don't even know where to start in this journal... I guess another reason I decided to create one is because my on and off boyfriend hates how I tell my friends too much about our relationship and this is a better way of getting things off my chest. His name is Dante and he is not only the love of my life but also the person I can never completely have. We've been "dating" since July 3, 2001 and this whole time I don't know if he has ever been faithful to me but it is hard for me to break it off because he is my first love and it is tough to let go of that first love, no matter what a jerk he is and no matter how bad he treats you. He has never been abusive to me but he hasn't treated me right either. We have nothing in common and come from different backgrounds, yet I cannot get enough of him. In my head, I know he is not the person I will spend the rest of my life with because I don't see the "house with the white picket fence" dream coming true with him, but it is hard to convince my heart that. I don't know why, but even with all the bad, I would be happy to spend the rest of my life with him... I guess it's because I don't know anything else. I don't know how another person would treat me so I don't have a basis for comparison.

Anyway, enough depressing stuff. I'm sure I'll go into more detail about that later anyway. I don't have much of a life. I spend my days at work and most of my nights alone watching TV. I hang out with friends but I never want to make definite plans with them, in the hopes of spending time with Dante. I drop everything any time Dante says he wants to hang out together and most of my friends are used to that. I tell them to make plans on their own and I'll join them when I can. Not the best behavior when it comes to keeping friends but my friends understand. Damn, I sound like such a loser. Bad way to make a first impression, especially since this is my introductory post.

Is it normal for someone to be so in love with someone who doesn't completely return the love? The only relationship I can compare this to is Carrie and Mr. Big (Sex in the City). This is sad to say, but even if I do meet an Aidan, I couldn't give up my Mr. Big.

I know I said I'd stop talking about him (for this post anyway) and I promise to do that now. I love TV. I need it on in the background all the time. I used to even watch infomercials but I've realized I have enough DVDs and videos to keep myself entertained when there is nothing on. I'm addicted to the shows Friends, Scrubs, Trading Spaces, Life with Bonnie, Everybody Loves Raymond, Real World... hmmm, thats all that comes to my mind right now but I watch way more than that. I used to watch Seinfeld, X-Files, and Ally McBeal (until Robert Downey, Jr. left) religiously. I was a TV kid also - my friends and I can get into long discussions about the shows we used to watch when we were kids - Alvin and the Chipmunks, Family Ties (Alex P. Keaton was the reason I'm a Republican), Jem, Care Bears, Beverly Hills Teens... ah, memories. Time to head out... post more later tonight.