Eileen went to see "Torque" last night and she was telling me about how much respect she has for Ice Cube because he is a cash machine, he knows how to market himself to make the most of his potential. I told her thats the reason I love P. Diddy. He knows how to get the job done and I respect him so much because he is so motivated. She also brought up Snoop Dogg and how he's managed to get himself in every commercial on TV. It's all about the money.

This is a bad mindset to have though. Respect is measured by a person's net worth. I think that's a big part of the issues I've been having with my life lately. I just don't make enough to not feel like a failure... I graduated from an awesome university and I should be doing more with my life. I know I can leave and make more money but until I actually do get out of this place, I won't feel it.

It doesn't help that I'm working on clients who make millions for what they do. Comedy Central gave one of my clients $200k to develop a show and even though they didn't end up using it, the money is his. Another one of my clients makes millions for her series (acting and residuals) even though she doesn't get that much screen time (her character is essential to the show though). Those clients are older though and they're really accomplished so I shouldn't feel bad about how I've done nothing with my life yet. I just found out the creator of The O.C. is 27 though. Now that makes me feel like a failure because he's only 2 years older than me and he's so successful. Athletes my age or younger who make tons of money don't count because its different.

I don't even have a real relationship to go home too. I'm jealous of all those people with good jobs and faithful husbands/boyfriends. I need to be less picky and I need to get away from all these players.

For those of you who can't understand why I am a Republican, and why I support our president, this person explains a little bit of it - Why I like Bush... Bush is a genuinely nice guy and I don't know if anyone coulda done better after 9/11. I'm a Republican cause I grew up in Orange County and because of Alex P. Keaton. Its a wonder how such little factors in your childhood subconsciously affect the person you become.

Speaking of how little factors (one little comment) affect the way you think, I finally traced back my Justin Timberlake love... I thought it was because I saw him on Punk'd and saw what an awesome guy he is when he didn't know the cameras were on him and how nice he was to these people who are taking all his stuff. I realized yesterday the love started when I was watching TV with Dante and the Cry Me A River video came on... Dante made a comment that the video was 'tight' and somehow that started my obsession with the guy. I told Dante about it this morning and he said he was sorry he ever said anything cause my love for Justin has surpassed my love for him. :)

Ok, back to that meaning of life stuff I was talking about earlier... This one line in True Lies from Jamie Lee Curtis really stood out for me - when they were asking her why she agreed to work with the (fake) spy and she said, "I needed to feel alive. I wanted to do something outrageous. And it felt good to be needed. To be trusted. To be special. There's so much I wanted to do in this life, and it's like I haven't done any of it. And the sand's running out of the hourglass. I want to be able to look back and say: See! I did that. It was wild and it was reckless and outrageous and I fucking did it!" I loved the whole movie but that line just stood out and its probably affected my mindset. I want to go skydiving just to be able to say I did something not too many other people do. My dream job (besides working for Lakers management) is with the FBI or CIA. I'm even jealous of the three people I know who work at Raytheon cause they have to have security clearance and they know defense secrets the 'public' is unaware of. I just have this stupid need to "be someone". I've asked Dante before, would you rather live a long boring anonymous life or would you rather have the life Tupac did? He chose the long boring life but I'd rather have Tupac's life, without all the violence and stuff... Marilyn Monroe or James Dean are better examples, I guess.

I just feel this stupid need to 'be someone' to make myself feel special but I need to get over it. There are too many famewhores in our society (reality show people) and we don't need another one.